Study Finds Women Love Bald Dudes

My celeb crush Michael Kelly. (Photo courtesy of Netflix.)
I've dated my fair share of bald men, and some have been comfortable with their shiny domes while others have been insecure messes hiding their beauty under dumb-looking hats.

For men, having a full head of hair is as important as having a good job and a hot piece of ass; but unfortunately, genetics dictates who gets Fabio-like tresses and who has to shave their head in order to not fool anybody. But for those men who are follically-challenged, a new study says that people actually perceive baldness as a sign of dominance and manliness. Maybe that’s why Vin Diesel, The Rock, and Jason Statham continue getting their faces on action posters while pretty boys like Ryan Gosling and Hugh Grant are stuck as the kings of sensitive romantic movies aimed at ladies.

Data Scientist Albert E. Mannes of The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania ran three studies about bald dudes to find out whether or not being hairless was cool or uncool. Being a baldie himself, he wanted to know the truth about hair, and most importantly whether or not women wanted to fuck bald dudes. Turns out—the answer is hell yes!

First, Mannes surveyed 59 female students and showed them pictures of 25 male students. Each guy was photographed in front of the same background while wearing the same outfit. Ten dudes were bald and 15 had various hairstyles. The women overall rated the bald dudes as being more dominant and manly, which is a relief considering that 85% of men will have thinning hair by the age of 50.

For the second experiment, Mannes showed 344 people eight photographs of men and asked them to rate them on personality traits. The photos were of four men, in one picture he had hair and in the other he was Photoshopped to be a Q-Ball. Like the first study, the people said the bald guy was more dominant, masculine, and confident than their hairy headed counterparts. They even said he was more of a leader, proving that only male lion’s need a mess of hair to rule his kingdom. Even more interesting, the respondents thought the bald guys were an inch taller and physically stronger than the jabronis with lush locks.

In the final study, 522 participants were told about a man and then asked to type up his description. The concept of this one was pretty convoluted but the main takeaway was that Mannes discovered there was a hierarchy in the world of baldness. Men who were completely shaven like Pitbull or Bruce Willis were gods, but men with patchy hair or bald spots were seen as sissy peons. The experiment takers thought that those half-ass bald dudes were weak, less confident, and less masculine than their shaven and hairy comrades.

So what can bald men take from all this? Well, for one, women find baldness sexy. If you’re a dominant man, reach for that razor to show the ladies who’s boss, and for submissive guys, let that patchiness run wild so that you can find the Domme of your dreams. But most of all, never get hair plugs or toupees because those things look fucking awful, and trying to hide your thinning hair is worse than just going all out.

After all, business guru Seth Godin said it best.

"I'm not saying that shaving your head makes you successful, but it starts the conversation that you've done something active," Godin told The Wall Street Journal. "These are people who decide to own what they have, as opposed to trying to pretend to be something else."