If Japanese people don't start boning more, they may go extinct...

If someone asked me if I could only have one—the internet or sex—I would actually pick the internet because I’m so addicted to looking at dress pictures or memes on Instagram. And this is coming from someone who thoroughly enjoys sex. But I would still choose the internet if I could only have one.

And apparently, I’M NOT ALONE!

In 2012, a University of Chicago study found that the majority of people also would choose the internet over sex, according to CBS. While this was all a hypothetical, young people nowadays actually are boinking way less than generations before them; and this non-sex problem is getting so bad in some places that extinction may even occur.

This is what’s going on in Japan. The Japanese are having a sex problem, and it’s not just pixelated porno. The island country’s young citizens have supposedly lost interest in romance, and they’re starting to marry their purely platonic friends instead of people they’re hot to trot for. While this companionship arrangement may sound like no big deal, young couples’ disinterest in boning may ultimately lead to Japanese extinction.

Japan’s current population is 127 million, but in 2060, experts predict the number will plummet by almost 33 percent. According to The Independent, that means in a few decades, there will only be 87 million Japanese people. Japanese youngsters’ disinterest in procreation has resulted in them having the lowest birth rate in the world, with only 8.4 children born to every 1,000 citizens. In contrast, the United States has an alarmingly low birth rate, but it’s still 59.6 children to every 1,000 citizens.

So why are so many Japanese people marrying friends instead of lovers? It might be that people want to find a soul mate to marry but can’t. Instead of waiting for their special someone, they just settle for a permanent roommate, like your Aunt Sally and Uncle Fred. A recent survey found that 80 percent of unmarried Japanese people want to tie the knot, but a government poll found that the overwhelming majority have no significant other.  

A Japanese government survey from 2016 said that almost 40 percent of people in their 20s and 30s didn’t want relationships because they were “bothersome,” according to the Japan Times. The people who thought relationships sucked said that they’d rather focus on their hobbies (cough, cough, the internet) or getting ahead in their careers. This alarmed the government so much that they offered sexless millennials support when it came to getting married, getting pregnant, and delivering those few precious babies. But, even with that assistance, the Japanese youth were like meh. No fucking tonight. I wanna check out my phone and computer.

And as a millennial, childless woman who is totally addicted to Instagram, I can’t really blame them either.

But to any readers out there who wanna make babies instead of work or surf the ‘net, then realize this. You, my friend, are a patriot, and you’re procreating for your country. Good luck.