Watching Porno Before a First Date Brings Guaranteed Fireworks


Remember that famous scene in There’s Something About Mary? The one where Ben Stiller’s character wanked off before his big date with Cameron Diaz’s Mary? In case you forgot, his seed ended up dripping from his ear, like the nastiest snot you’d ever seen, and somehow, she used his stuff like it was 80s hair gel. Even if you don’t remember that 1998 comedy classic, you’re probably familiar with the idea of cleaning the pipes before a big date. The reasoning behind it is that you’ll keep calm and not get a boner when your lady gives you an obligatory “hello” hug or touches your knee during some funny moment at the bar. But now science is saying that watching porn and thinking about sex before a date is good because it’ll make you chatty and therefore help you bond with your new lady.

As we all know, porn and masturbating go hand in hand, and Professor Gurit Birnbaum of Baruch Ivcher School of Psychology found that watching all types of sex and nudity before a big date leads to romantic success! According to her study, which was published in Psychology Today, whenever people are “sexually primed” they are more likely to open up to strangers. And on a first date, sharing that embarrassing story of you pissing your pants in fourth grade or feeling jilted by your cheating ex can help you form intimacy quickly (as long as your sharing isn’t bordering on TMI.)

According to Birnbaum’s study, “sexually priming” is the act of seeing or thinking of erotic material before an activity. She and her team took 246 straight college students and divided them into three studies. Then, the students were divided into groups of two. For each study, one lucky group was “sexually primed” and shown an intimate picture or video (which included Angelina Jolie’s super hot sex scene from the otherwise shitty movie Original Sin,) and the other group was lamely shown something non-sexy like a picture of a fish. Then the students were asked to chat with strangers, and the researchers discovered that the sexually primed people were more vulnerable and willing to share personal details. The non-primed group were as cold as the fish that they were shown sometime shortly before.

“The present research suggests that sexual activation facilitates this process, such that when two strangers meet, sexual interest will determine the extent to which personal information will be revealed during their interaction: Heightened sexual interest in a prospective partner is likely to increase self-disclosure, whereas a lack of sexual interest is likely to inhibit it,” Birnbaum told The Metro.

So there you have it. A professor is giving you the “A-okay” to watch porno before you go on your dates. In fact, she’s telling you that you’re going to strike out and be “inhibited” if you don’t.
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