Kinky Sex Is Absolutely Normal, You Guys, Seriously.

Sex. It’s a perfectly natural human desire, and it plays a huge role in our identity and life experiences. Yet, since the beginning of mankind, people in power have tried their darndest to shit on the sexuality of those around them, and often their suppression tool of choice is shame. We all know who these pearl-clutching, finger wagging assholes are—clergy, politicians, educators, nosy neighbors, and yes, even doctors.  

The mental health profession technically rules what’s “normal” or “abnormal” when it comes to sex, but are they actually right? I mean, when it comes to kink, oftentimes what’s “normal” has nothing to do with actual mental health. Instead, it has to do with the judgment of the culture at the time. Take the guidebook the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (also called DSM). Doctors use this guidebook to diagnose disorders, and the book categorizes kink like voyeurism, sadism and masochism, and fetishes as “abnormal.” That judgy classification bothered one sex-positive Canadian enough that she created a study seeking to debunk it, Reuters reports.

The study was led by Christian Joyal, a psychology researcher at the University of Quebec Trois-Rivieres. She was peeved that the DSM created and reinforced negative stereotypes about non-vanilla sexual behavior. After all, this is the same guide that once classified homosexuality as “deviant” and was used to condemn gays.

Joyal’s research focused on the manual’s “paraphilic disorders,” which are sexual behaviors labeled as “abnormal,” “illegal,” or “inducing suffering or impairment.” These “abnormal” behaviors include fetishizing objects and cross-dressing, and Joyal found the labeling to be rightfully judgmental. After all, anyone who practices kink seems to enjoy it, so why the bad rap?

It all seems to go back to authority figures who don’t know sex telling everyone how to have sex. It’s annoying, and we just wish those repressed losers would stop overcompensating and leave everyone else alone.

After surveying a thousand adults, Joyal found that a whole lot of people are into sex acts deemed “abnormal,” and if a whole of people are abnormal, then does that mean kink is actually the norm? The researchers asked if they desired eight sexual behaviors that the manual defined as paraphilic. Overall, about half of the people expressed interest in at least one of the kinks, and about one third of the respondents said they had actually engaged in at least one of the behaviors themselves.

David Ley, the author of “The Myth of Sex Addiction,” also worked on the study. He said the research is part of a growing trend of work that focuses on debunking negative ideas about sexuality. He talked about how back in the day doctors condemned masturbation and homosexuality and deemed those acts as “unhealthy.” Now we see how ridiculous those supposedly smart professionals actually were, so what else have they got wrong? After all, as long as sex is consensual, then seriously, what’s the problem? If people are enjoying themselves and not hurting anyone, then there’s nothing “deviant” about that.

Why Do Men Love Sending Dick Pics? A Scientific Theory

It’s a time honored tradition for men to send dick pics (Just to be clear, I said time honored not good). Whether their schlongs are long, fat, short, or veiny, men seem to be obsessed with snapping and sending photos of their junk. But why is that? Sure, sending dick pics makes sense if it’s a part of sexting with your partner… But why do thirsty dudes on Tinder shoot off their hairy package to any girl who bothers to respond, “Hello?” 

Well, apparently, a scientist from Harvard has studied this dick pic/stranger phenomenon, and he has a few theories on why men love to document da dong. And it’s not as simple as men just being super horny. (Even though, yeah, that’s a valid theory too.)

Harvard scholar Justin Lehmiller has devoted his life studying sex (like I do!), and he literally wrote the book on human sexuality. In a 2017 blog post called Why So Many Guys Send Unsolicited Photos of Their Manhood to Women,” he broke down why men are so addicted to dick pics.

Theory one: Men overestimate how much women want them

Straight men are always horny. That’s a fact. But that lust clouds their judgement, and they think that any signs of opposite sex friendliness equate women wanting da dick. She smiles? Dick. She responds during a pleasant conversation about the weather? Dick. She laughs at your joke. Dick. Norwegian researchers proved long ago that men have a “sexual misperception” of the level of female attraction, and Lehmiller said that leads to men sending strangers unwanted dick pics.

Theory two: Biology makes men want to shoot their wads in everybody

When you’re single, getting laid is a numbers game, and evolutionary psychologists said that men suffer from sexual misperception because they have an evolutionary need to spread their seed. That means that guys who send their dick pics to any lady who shows mild interest is doing it because he’s hedging his bets. He has to let those females know he’s got a dick and is ready to use it, and deep down, he thinks that maybe, like, one in twenty may be okay with it.

Theory three: Men love exhibitionism

Besides all the evolutionary talk, the simplest reason for men sending unwanted dick pics out into the cyber universe is that they are exhibitionists. They just love to shock people, and what is more shocking to a woman who doesn’t know you than to see your purplish penis?

“Although most people think of exhibitionism in terms of guys who flash strangers on the subway or in a park, a similar kind of behavior can also occur online or over the phone,” Lehmiller said.

Lehmiller added that exhibitionist guys tend to have problems forming real-life intimate relationships so they substitute that with cyber cock, which they mistakenly think will bring them closer to their possible new partner.

Casual sex doesn't exist. Don't do it!

When I was growing up, my socially conservative father told me never to fool around with boys until I was married. As a strong-willed teenager I asked him if he would give the same advice if I was his son and not his daughter, and he honestly answered, “No.” Boys had different rules than girls.

I remember thinking that he was sexist and trying to control my body, and I remember thinking that once I was no longer under his roof, I wouldn’t listen to his old-fashioned rules about dating and sex.

In college, I got my first boyfriend, and although this is uncomfortable for me to admit, he was verbally and physically abusive. Without getting into the gritty details, I’ll share that he was terrible, but I stayed with him on-and-off for years, almost addicted to him. Years later, I look back on that experience and I wondered, Why did I stay? And in other instances when I hooked up with terrible men, why did I wish they’d still call me again even though the time we spent together wasn’t great at all.

Well, apparently, it was my body that betrayed me. My father’s advice, while maybe motivated more by morals than science, was half correct. Girls shouldn’t fool around with boys casually, but science says that neither should boys.

The reason for this is that girls and boys become attached to their sexual partners because of the release of hormones. That’s according to Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who wrote the book Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray.

Fisher told Business Insider that there is NO SUCH THING AS CASUAL SEX! For both genders.

According to Fisher, humans have three brain systems when it comes to sex, and these three systems are each linked to a specific hormone. The first one is linked to testosterone, which men and women both have, and it’s this hormone that makes us want sex. The second system is the one that makes you feel butterflies at the sound of your lover’s name. This system releases dopamine, which is the reason you’re so damn sprung. The final system is responsible for attachment and is activated during orgasm. This system releases vasopressin and oxytocin, those hormones that link us to people, whether or not they’re Prince or Princess Charming or a big-fucking abusive monster.  

Fisher said that 5 of the 12 cranial nerves become activated when you have sex with somebody. She said it’s not just intercourse either that jumpstarts those nerves. Any type of stimulation of your genitals will drive up that make-you-happy dopamine. Fisher said that sexual stimulation can push you over a certain threshold of feelings and once you hit that threshold you feel like you’re in love.
So goddamn. If I hadn’t let my college boyfriend hit it, then maybe I could’ve quit it instead of wasting years of my young life and hours in therapy.

This lesson that casual sex doesn’t exist is one that is easier learned through experience than reading about on some blog, but I hope that those who are searching for love will attempt to step back and really get to know their potential partner before they start hooking up. This is no way a moral judgment. This is more of a way to protect your soul and body. Treat your genitals like Fort Knox or you’re going to be stuck loving some losers….

Trust me. I know.

What to expect from The Daily T.Lo

So… today is the day.

The day that I’ve reemerged from blogging obscurity.

Today’s the day that I’ve brought The Daily T.Lo back from retirement!

For those of you who’ve been with me from the beginning (THANK YOU), you know that The Daily T.Lo emerged almost a decade ago as a funny project that Kat McCue and I created as a fake chronicle of my life. We made up storylines and did crappy photo art with Microsoft Paint, and we had a few thousand readers and it was glorious.

But the blog ended when Kat moved back to New York and I got freaked out at the idea that people thought the blog was really about me. Even now I get freaked out when people know too much about me or know what I’m thinking, but I’m trying to tackle that insecurity by keeping my world small and full of understanding, wonderful people like yourselves.

But back to The Daily T.Lo’s first demise…

Shortly after Kat and I quit the fake blog, I started a new blog but I used the same name, The Daily T.Lo, because I thought it was catchy. This blog was kinda random because quite frankly I’m random. I like everything and I like writing about everything and I wanted to be an everything-kinda writer. That iteration of the blog covered topics ranging from political news to writer interviews to entertainment think pieces, and in the process of writing it, I started to think more about what I really wanted to say and what I wanted to be known for.

Long story short, I abandoned the second iteration of The Daily T.Lo, and in that period of time until now, I became a legal reporter, a writer for an adult magazine, a makeup reviewer, a women’s issues writer, and a virtual reality scriptwriter. So yeah, I didn’t really stop being random…

But I did realize that there was one thru-line to my work. An obsession that I love to write and talk about. An obsession that won’t ever go away because it’s so universal yet so confusing yet so powerful.

And that thru-line, folks, is our relationships. I mostly write about romantic ones, but our family and friends also play a huge role in who we are and how we love. And that fascinates me. And I think that will fascinate you too.

I’ve been thinking about bringing back The Daily T.Lo for a while now and hopefully for good, and I think this time I can try to stay on topic if I just declare a topic up front.

So here we go. The Daily T.Lo is going to focus on relationships, and hopefully that’s a broad enough topic that will cover the random everything-ness that I seem to love so much. I hope that with my inquisitive nature, open mind, and odd life experiences; I can provide you all with a fresh take if you’re willing to take a journey with me.

I plan on covering the weird along with the mainstream, and I ask that you adopt my attitude to stay curious and nonjudgement. There aren’t any haters in the T.Lo Club, after all. J
So anyway. Thank you for revisiting my little space on the internet. Share if you like what you read. Don’t be a hater if you don’t.

I plan on writing something new daily, so please come back often. I already miss you!


No scratch that.

XOXO, The Daily T.Lo