BDSM BASICS: Are you a Dominant, submissive, or switch?


BDSM is a lifestyle that’s been around since people first used their penises and vaginas for pleasure. While Fifty Shades of Grey brought it into the global mainstream, it’s hardly new. 

As one dominatrix told me, “If you’re into BDSM, you were born liking BDSM.” While the majority of people are “vanilla” meaning they’re not into bondage and discipline, Dominance and submission, or sadism and masochism, those whose sexual inclinations crave kink can’t get off without it.

In a vanilla relationship, two people are never truly equal, but BDSM pushes that concept to another level. In the BDSM world, lovers consent to their roles—where one person is in charge and the other person submits. From that agreement of power, there are various ways of play—everything from the latexed dominatrixes who whip their “slaves” to the “daddies” who watch over their “little girls.”

So if you’re thinking of entering the alternative world of BDSM, do you know what role you are?

Dominant
The person in charge is known as the Dominant. Other names include Top, Domme, Dominatrix, Master, Mistress, Daddy, Sadist, Sir, Lord etc. The Dominant descriptor is always capitalized to show dominance even on the page.

In bondage and discipline and sadism and masochism, the Dominant inflicts physical pain upon his or her submissive, and the rules are agreed upon beforehand. “Hard limits” are things a submissive will never allow, and “soft limits” are modes of play that the submissive will consider. After the pain session, the Dominant gives aftercare to make sure the submissive is physically okay.

Not all BDSM relationships involve pain, however. There are plenty of relationships where the Dominant sets the rules while never harming his or her submissive. Examples include a Total Power Exchange (TPE), where the dominance controls all aspects of the submissive’s life, like their finances and diet. Basically, the Dominant is the one in control, but how that power is played out can vary drastically from relationship-to-relationship. 

Submissive
The submissive is receptive to the orders of the Dominant, and the submissive word is almost always lowercased. Some PG terms for the submissive include sub, little girl, baby, and pet; and some raunchier terms include slave, slut, and bitch. While the wording may seem like the submissive is abused, that is actually not the case at all. The two parties are in sync with one another, and the submissive naturally likes being told what to do.  

Like mentioned above, to be dominated does not always include pain, and any pain inflicted is always discussed and agreed upon beforehand. The submissive’s role in the relationship is important because without a submissive there would be no Dominant.  Giving up power is a turn on to a submissive, and that’s what makes BDSM different from abusive relationships—consent. 

Switch

A switch is a person who can go from being Dominant to being a submissive. The reasons for switching can vary from just feeling like making a change to adopting a different role with different lovers.

To figure out what kind of role you prefer, I recommend taking the BDSM Test online. 

Watch What Happens When a Tourist Grabs an Unconsenting Woman in Thailand...


One of the most important aspects of sexual relationships is consent, which is why I advocate BDSM because that is the main tenant of the lifestyle. When consent is not a priority, people take advantage of others, and this often leads to abuse and sometimes crimes.

Nextshark recently published a story about a white tourist who visited Thailand, and this gross piece of shit actually started to grope a woman on the streets of Pattaya. But what happened next was so satisfying...

SPOILER: She fought back and beat his ass. See video above.

But while I loved this video because the woman and her friends taught the creep a lesson, I was reminded that many women are sexually assaulted and do not have the physical strength to fight back. In those instances, the creep wins, but we as good people cannot allow these types of transgressions to happen. I know it's cheesy as fuck to say but if you see something, say something. 

Don't allow this type of shit to happen. Nonconsensual sexual relationships are not okay. 

What's the Perfect Number of Sexual Partners To Have?


Getting asked, “What’s your number?” when it comes to sex partners is really fucking awkward. Should you lie and say something higher or lower? Or should you tell the truth? What if the person asking has way more or less lovers than you? Are they going to judge whatever you say? Answering the numbers question is like playing a game of social roulette, but luckily, one study has given us the answer of what average people are doing. And by those numbers, it seems like average people are not freaking as much as the movies would have us believe.

SuperDrug Online Doctor, a company with a direct but ridiculous-sounding name, polled 2,000 people in the U.S. and Europe about their sex lives. With their results, they proved what most people already knew—men inflate their magic number and women water it down. They also found out that most people are slut-shamers. 

Surprise, surprise.

Most women (64.7%) and most men (58.6%) said that they’ve never lied about their number, but since this is a self-reported poll, we’re going to assume they’re lying about that too. The women polled thought that anyone with 15 partners or more were “too promiscuous” while men thought the number 14 was just too high to get lucky. But while men and women were squeamish about too much experience, they were also judge-y about people with too little experience. Women thought a man who slept with 1.9 (what kind of numbers are these?) women were losers and men thought women who slept with 2.3 partners were too conservative.

But like Goldilocks, men and women have a just right number for the opposite sex. For men, they think women should ideally have an average of 7.6 partners. Women similarly said men should have 7.5 partners. Interesting enough, men reported having fewer sex partners than women did, proving the power of the pussy. Men and women also only slightly differed when they felt it was okay to share their sexual histories. 31.2% of women felt it was cool to share sex details the first month of dating while 33.8% of men said the same. I just wonder why the hell people are asking the question because isn’t it assumed everyone is a big fat liar?

But no matter how slut-shaming or prude-shaming people were, most admitted that if they liked someone enough then their partner’s number wouldn’t sway them enough to walk away. Because come on, sex is sex, amiright?

Lastly, the study confirmed another thought about modern sex—that the younger generations aren’t doing it as much as their forefathers. Whether it’s because they have more entertainment options or that they’re less likely to want intimacy in general—Gen Xers and younger have on average 10 sex partners throughout their lifetimes while Baby Boomers reportedly have fucked 11 people total. That’s not a huge discrepancy, but really—why are younger people screwing less? That unfortunately was out of the scope of SuperDrug Online Doctor’s survey, but it is something to think about.

What Do Men and Women Expect from Sex Robots?


With advances in technology, we’re getting closer and closer to having sex robots like the realistic-looking ones in the movies Ex Machina and A.I. And as that day inevitably nears, I gotta ask: what do men and women think about futuristic masturbation toys?

I, for one, am all for them, and I think anyone who has spent longer than two months on Okcupid or Bumble will most certainly agree. But what does SCIENCE tell us???

Well, according to Science, AKA Discover Magazine, two thirds of men surveyed in 2016 said they would try a sex robot. (Hmm… wonder why the other third lied.) Two thirds of women said the opposite—no way, Gigolo Joe. The results came from the first exploratory survey about human attitudes towards sexbots, and the survey has been praised not only because it gives us a glimpse into sex robots’ future usage but it also lets us know what men and women think about sex and relationships in general.

The survey was conducted by Tufts University in Massachusetts. The researchers wanted to know what people thought sex robots should look like and what uses of the sexbots was “appropriate.” They wanted their research to be used in technology advancement so that creators can make machines that please us, not harm us. And by harm us, the Tufts team meant psychologically. Because come on, we all know people who want to use a sexbot probably want to be thrown around a little. AmIRight?

No?

No... 

No.

Okay, then…

But back to this psychological thing, which researchers think may become a huge problem when sex robots take over the world like Teslas have taken over Los Angeles freeways.

Mattias Scheutz, a computer scientist at Tufts, said that humans tend to form emotional attachments to toys or virtual friends; and that once sex robots start looking like people and acting like people, human beings are likely to become confused with their feelings. Scheutz hopes that once the sex robot technology exists that he can perform longer experiments and see whether or not humans really will be able to just use their robots for fun or if those masturbation toys will end up replacing human-to-human love in general.

The Tufts team found men and women both agreed sex robots should not look like kids, showcasing a current widespread disapproval of pedophilia. However, men and women could not fully agree on other robot looks, besides that the robots need to resemble adults. While the women surveyed were more conservative, balking at the idea of having celebrity lookalikes, men were down to get busy with robots that looked like fantasy creatures, celebrities, one’s deceased spouse, and a person’s friend (The person’s friend thing may give me more pause than if my man wanted to do Kim Kardashian, but I digress…)

Next, the research team surveyed men and women on what was appropriate use for the robots. As expected, they agreed on some things but not others.  Issues they agreed on included that sex robots were better than hiring a human prostitute, could be used by the disabled, and could reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases.

Men and women tended to disagree on topics such as whether or not it was appropriate to give sex offenders robots and whether or not it was appropriate to use sex robots to practice abstinence. Men and women agreed but varied in approval when it came to using sex robots for making porn, to fuck instead of cheating on a spouse, and to engage in group sex with other humans.


Overall, despite whether or not the people surveyed viewed sexbots’ usage as appropriate or not, it does sound like a fun future once those robotics emerge. Discover Magazine reported that sex robot technology is still primitive but is expected to rev up because the porn industry and robot makers are quickly trying to make sophisticated robots to replace the correct crude but intriguing toys.

And when that day happens, all I can say is sign me up.

Agreeable Women Are the Gatekeepers of Sex


I think a lot about what I was taught as a young girl and how conflicting that information was. I was told to study hard and get a good job, but I was also taught to be agreeable and find a good husband. In essence, I was taught what most girls are taught. To be separate personas at work and at home. 

As many women probably know, being pleasant and agreeable in the workplace may fly for baristas or administrative assistants, but that disposition will not get you into the corner office of a Fortune 500 company. BUT in a personal setting, being a cold, calculating and competitive lady will not attract and keep most men (except for submissives... but that's something we'll discuss in the future.

Researchers from Florida said that happiness in the personal lives of straight men and women rested upon a woman's agreeableness or their will to please. Thus, my parents were right about one thing, but shhhhhh don't tell them. 

Florida State University psychologists Andrea L. Meltzer and James K. McNulty asked 278 straight newlywed couples to keep diaries of their sex lives. Afterwards, they gave each person a Big Five personality test, which asks people to rate statements like “I break promises” or “I lose important documents.” From there, the shrinks were able to gauge their personalities, most importantly how “agreeable” they were, meaning how much they wanted to please others.

The researchers found that the couples with highly agreeable women had the most sex. The psychologists noted previous studies that found men initiated sex more than women, so it was essentially up to the ladies to be “the gatekeepers of sex within relationships.” Agreeable women tended to say yes more, and the study said that the people who had more sex reported that they were happier. On the surface, this could be a simple case of orgasms fill people with joy, but having an agreeable woman could also make a man happy because he’s not getting rejected constantly. So it’s not just the power of the pussy. It’s the power of caring about the feelings of the one you’re with.

Inversely, the study found that the man’s personality meant jack shit when it came to how often he came. The only thing that mattered was that he wanted sex, and that his agreeable lady would give it to him. This seems to align with BDSM theories that whether or not a man was Dominant or submissive, it is his female partner who actually controls the amount of sex and thus has the true power of happiness in the relationship. 

Study Says Eat Less, Screw More


I spend an exorbitant amount of time at the gym so that I can unsuccessfully regain the body of my early twenties, but apparently being lean isn't just about insecurity and vanity. It's about getting laid too.

A study said that lean adults have better sex, more orgasms, and better relationships. Average men (their weight, not their dick size) are hornier than leaner dudes, but the sex is just bleh according to science. 

Corby Martin and his team at Pennington Ingestive Behavior Laboratory published their findings from a weight loss study in JAMA Internal Medicine, and they basically concluded that if normal-sized people want to fuck more they need to cut 25% of their calories. The team’s findings seem to confirm what everybody already knew but still wasn’t enough motivation to put down the chips and cookies—sexier people bone more and live better, healthier lives.  

The purpose of the study was to prove calorie restriction in normal weight adults could lead to a better mind and quality of life. The researchers found 218 guinea pigs—men and women of various ages with a body mass index (BMI) of 22 to 28, a range that is deemed normal to underweight. 

The subjects were randomly divided into two groups—one that had to restrict their calorie intake by 25% and one that was allowed to eat whatever they want.  After two years, the group that cut 25% of their calories lost a whopping 12% of their body weight. Not only were they looking sexier but they were sleeping better, reported a better quality of life, and craved less food over time. They also said they were getting more sex, which is probably the thing that interests us the most here. 

Meanwhile, the group that didn’t change their habits reported no changes, but the no-change men reported higher levels of sexual arousal than the low-calorie guys. This anomaly surprised the researchers so they dug deeper. While average guys wanted more sex, their leaner pals were having better sex. They determined that with a survey on quality of relationships, orgasm, and frequency.


While the idea of improving one’s life with one change sounds appealing, it’s actually pretty hard to cut 25% of one’s calories. For instance, for a person who eats 2,000 calories a day, that means that they would need to go down to a dramatic 1,500 a day diet. Nutritionists say men should never go below 1,500 calories a day and women should never eat less than 1,200. And who can sustain that calorie count if you want to dine out or grab a beer? 

But on the bright side, those who do wish to enter More Sex Land the guinea pigs who cut their calories said they stopped craving junk food, weren’t hungry as often, and felt less joint pains. 

So in the end, it’s all about choice—enjoy your food or enjoy more sex. What call are you going to make?

If you know me at all, the answer is:

Those scones aren't gonna eat themselves, ya'all!
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